No sweeter name

I am the owner of a large bleeding heart.

Do you know that it is so much easier to be honest on a blog then in person? 

It seems so simple to pour my heart out on a keyboard, then to a concerned face.

It's late, and I am alone after a long battle putting my 5 month old to bed, my husband is in the hospital.

Hope? It really concerns me when the Dr. won't give me any. He seems caught in the middle of a crazy puzzle, unable to dig himself out either way, up or down. 

You know the one thing that breaks even the craziest of my thoughts? Worship music, the key to the box i lock myself into for protection.

You are the light to my heart and my soul

you are the light to the darkness around me

you are the hope to the hopeless and broken

you are the only truth and the way

There will be a day, with no more pain, no more tears

There will be a day, When the burdens of this world will be no more.

oh Jeremy Camp. Did you know his first wife died not long after they married? Within the first two years. I really dont think i could go through that, im a stinkin penguin i picked Bryce for LIFE. Hopefully all of MY life. Is it sad that i think about how awful it would be if something happened to him. These thoughts race through my mind this time of night, alone at home... Its so cold in here, there arent any conversations, no laughing, so practical jokes or paper airplane racing, no scrubs lines being spoken, no kisses or hugs, no silly outfits, no whispers under the blankets, nobody but me and my faithful dog, the man of the house. I think what if life is going to become like this? I believe in the healing power of the Lord, and im convinced that he's not finished with Bryce, but goodness im sure Jeremy thought that as well.

As we were walking today we walked past a room with an elderly woman in it, lying lifeless in her gown, with loved ones gripping her hands, in her last days. I cant handle death, i simply cannot. Life on the other side is so beautiful, but i cant handle waiting to see those faces again, those that encouraged me, adopted me, loved me. And i wonder how long it will be until i've got to go through it again. Grandparents... friends... certainly not my love right?

I tend to hold myself together great, letting everyone see that its rough but im alright. The last thing i need is for someone to think im being dramatic. But i get home, put on Bryces clothes, and get on my computer to update the world. I've lost about 10 pounds... I have to take ibuprofen to sleep as my head swells after crying into his sweatshirt. Until you've been through this, you can hardly judge how you'd feel. 

I know each thought is random, each of these paragraphs seems out of place, but that seems and accurate depiction of my mind, my bleeding heart, my lonely spirit.

I've got to learn to just need Jesus, only then will he trust me with more.