No more fears

Ahh Lord, my Jesus, there will be a day, when this is all over, and be the end good or bad it will be for your glory. 

Hope? Where does this come from? Yes i HOPE everything ends with me having a healthy husband for many many years to come, but is that always what the Lord wants? Is my hope founded in my personal desires or in what is good for HIS glory? Is my hope misguided? He knows the desires of my heart, but i can honestly say at this moment i HOPE for glory to come to the almighty through our lives, beit whatever is to happen. 

Fear, there is holy fear, there is well founded fear, and there is unecessary fear. How do i feel? Im terrified at what can come of this, yes, terrified because the Lord will do what brings him glory, and Bryce's life is  bringing him more and more every day. Do i want to give Bryce to Jesus? Oh man that's a loaded question, no i dont want My God to take my love away, but if he does i will take comfort in the amazing life he's lived. Is it down to life and death? Most certainly not, but considering there is always a risk, i think about these things.

Am i really prepared to be a single mom? No, but man you guys i can honestly say that at this desperate time in my life i am more in love with Jesus than i have ever been. In desperation i am at his feet, trusting that he KNOWS MY NAME. He hasnt let me fall out of view, or under foot, he sees me and he holds me and he gives me strength to give Bryce strength. He gives me peace to give him peace. He gives me patience with Lucy, he gives me words of encouragement for my love, he gives me wisdom for those who constantly ask " how are you?"

Sometimes i wish i had words to describe the way my skin tingles when i think of Jesus, and the times ive shared with him, but i feel like David in the Psalms, declaring his gifts with words that seem too simple, too applicable to uncomplicated things. But my love for Jesus is completely complicated. I feel desperate, i feel uncontrollable joy, i feel peace, i feel anger, i feel so many things for this world, for the children, for the hungry, for the rich, for the drug addicts, for the unborn, for the misguided teenagers, for the leaders of this country. For HIS heart. 

It's overwhelming, what does that word mean?

" To surge over and submerge; engulf."

Submerge, that is to be completely under, every part of you. I am submerged in my love for Jesus, and his love for me is GREATER! 

He knows my NAME!

Do we decide how much we love and need Jesus when everything is wrong? What about thanking him when things are amazing? It is definitely challenging to praise him now amidst trial, but i have decided HE is worthy! 

Are you praising him in this storm?

No sweeter name

I am the owner of a large bleeding heart.

Do you know that it is so much easier to be honest on a blog then in person? 

It seems so simple to pour my heart out on a keyboard, then to a concerned face.

It's late, and I am alone after a long battle putting my 5 month old to bed, my husband is in the hospital.

Hope? It really concerns me when the Dr. won't give me any. He seems caught in the middle of a crazy puzzle, unable to dig himself out either way, up or down. 

You know the one thing that breaks even the craziest of my thoughts? Worship music, the key to the box i lock myself into for protection.

You are the light to my heart and my soul

you are the light to the darkness around me

you are the hope to the hopeless and broken

you are the only truth and the way

There will be a day, with no more pain, no more tears

There will be a day, When the burdens of this world will be no more.

oh Jeremy Camp. Did you know his first wife died not long after they married? Within the first two years. I really dont think i could go through that, im a stinkin penguin i picked Bryce for LIFE. Hopefully all of MY life. Is it sad that i think about how awful it would be if something happened to him. These thoughts race through my mind this time of night, alone at home... Its so cold in here, there arent any conversations, no laughing, so practical jokes or paper airplane racing, no scrubs lines being spoken, no kisses or hugs, no silly outfits, no whispers under the blankets, nobody but me and my faithful dog, the man of the house. I think what if life is going to become like this? I believe in the healing power of the Lord, and im convinced that he's not finished with Bryce, but goodness im sure Jeremy thought that as well.

As we were walking today we walked past a room with an elderly woman in it, lying lifeless in her gown, with loved ones gripping her hands, in her last days. I cant handle death, i simply cannot. Life on the other side is so beautiful, but i cant handle waiting to see those faces again, those that encouraged me, adopted me, loved me. And i wonder how long it will be until i've got to go through it again. Grandparents... friends... certainly not my love right?

I tend to hold myself together great, letting everyone see that its rough but im alright. The last thing i need is for someone to think im being dramatic. But i get home, put on Bryces clothes, and get on my computer to update the world. I've lost about 10 pounds... I have to take ibuprofen to sleep as my head swells after crying into his sweatshirt. Until you've been through this, you can hardly judge how you'd feel. 

I know each thought is random, each of these paragraphs seems out of place, but that seems and accurate depiction of my mind, my bleeding heart, my lonely spirit.

I've got to learn to just need Jesus, only then will he trust me with more.

Great are you Lord...

How I love Your works
My God, My King
How I love Your works
My God, My King
Your Name rings on the plains
Like a not so distant train
And Love and history are near
In the flowers that you make
The flowers that you make

Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you

How I love Your Word
My God, My King
How I love Your Word
My God, My King
Your love cuts through these pages to my heart
As you grieve our sins, right from the start
And sacrifice and paradise are in
The plans that you made, The plans that you made

:For the last 3 years i havent been able to get this song out of my head, out of my heart really. This is my life song, my heartsong...
So many memories have been stored away in the back of my soul, memories of singing this song watching the sunrise in Botswana, arms outstretched to the sky, the silliest smile pasted to my face. I've never felt so in love, so calm, so held. So many things have changed over the years, I found my earthly love, and we're now expecting our first baby in 34 days... People have come and gone from my life, friendships have moved across the Country, but God is still faithful to me... He still whispers to me... He still speaks to me through this song...
If you havent heard it, read this while you listen to it on utube... Its called "great are you" by Downhere
Who am i Lord? Who am i in this time of change? Am i still that woman after your heart? Am i still giddy with the passion of your undying love for me? YES! I feel His presence even more in times of trial, i feel like ive been devastated so deeply i cant express the agony my heart feels, and yet in that same moment i felt the most relief ive felt in years... Like He swept in on the most beautiful white horse and whisked me up out of the marshlands before that herd of wild black bulls could gore me as i knelt waving my red ribbon in surrender. I was so willing to accept defeat, so allow the horrid ending of friendship and trust to gore my very heart out, but my Jesus doesnt see it that way. He knew i was done, so He galloped in and swooped my outstretched hand up behind him, telling me to hold tight, He'd ride out the storm...
Then... All i have to do is cry out.... "ill praise you in this storm..." The thunder rolls... I barely hear you whisper through the rain... Im with you.... I raise my hands....
Oh Jesus ill praise you! I will! Every tear Lord.... You never left my side.... My heart is torn.... BUT I WILL PRAISE YOU...

Sometimes i question my own heart as a woman, why do i need to feel so many emotions at one time? Desperation, pleading, strength, weakness, readiness, steadiness, heartache, passion.... OH JESUS WHY? Why do they always do this to me? Why ME? How can i possibly trust another woman with even a single beat of my beautifully aching heart? So many have failed me! Why such a terrible betrayal? Do none understand the agony i already feel toward him? Do they listen when i express my desire to be his little sister? Do they hear my heart? Is it only you who understands me? How do i move on? My heart is TORN. Oh Jesus i love you more now than i ever have... My passion for you i once danced because of, it has returned ten fold... How can i possibly mourn a loss when i feel such a beautiful sense of joy and safety near your side? How can i sort out this mumbo jumbo in my mind? All i want to do is let it go... feel the freedom in your arms... and i do! I cant be angry, i cant be hurt, all i can do is bathe in you... The security in knowing that i cant hold the whole horizon in my view... and only you know where this is going...

: I want to sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand
lay back against you and breathe
feel your heartbeat

this love is so deep
its more than i can stand
i melt in your peace
its overwhelming...:
(Kari Jobe, "the more i seek you")

I melt Lord, in YOUR peace... Oh Jesus may this little one inside of me love you the way i do... Oh Lord let her always desire you the way i do... let her know the passion you have for her heart, the desire you have to hold her in your arms...

Let her know there's NO sweeter name than the name of Jesus! Protect her father, let her be the woman you're waiting for, to use in mighty ways, to mother the nations, to bring hope to children, to love on the unlovely... Take my little girl and make her yours Jesus... Let us always treat her as your precious daughter...

YOU ARE THE ONLY TRUTH AND THE WAY...
YOU ARE THE LIGHT TO THE DARKNESS AROUND ME...
YOU ARE THE HOPE TO THE HOPELESS AND BROKEN...
YOU ARE THE LIFE TO MY HEART AND MY SOUL...

JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS...

YOU are worthy... I WILL sing a new song to you Jesus... In this time of trial and misunderstanding, you are more alive to me than ever...

Just thinking...

Well, Miller baby is going to be 24 weeks old tomorrow morning. She is big, and moves all the time, especially when her daddy is nearby. She hears his voice and her little legs start running and her arms start to pound as if she wants to get out SO bad to play with him!
I feel her growing and moving, and its amazing to me that she's learning her motor skills right now, trying them out on mommys insides!
Today ive been thinking about getting to meet her, and honestly trying my hardest not to wish time away too quickly. Im enjoying being the one to care for her and with her constantly, but i so desperately wish to meet her. My coworker Sarah had her baby this morning, 9 ibs 2 ounces! I cant even believe she gave natural birth to that big of a baby! Gracie is doing great and so is Sarah, exhausted however after being up all night.
Its been such a weird pregnancy watching someone just a few steps ahead of me in her pregnancy. She was bigger, she wasnt sick, she had her shower, all of her biweekly appointments, when Gracie finally flipped over, and this whole time ive been 3 months behind, just watching and knowing sometime soon ill go through it, but man it seems like forever.
I guess im still not big enough to be too noticed, maybe people are being cautious, or honestly dont notice. My belly is getting big, and sticks out in front of me like a little round muffin top :) but its going to take people even longer to notice, which is just fine with me. Eventually they'll get it, and ill be 8 months along, and suddenly im on maternity leave and no one even knew :) Its like the best kept secret!
Our little girl is so precious, ive been dreaming about her constantly, and she is beautiful in my dreams, and it just makes me SO anxious to meet her.
I remember when we found out i was 6 weeks along, and now here i am at 24! So its already been flying along SO fast! I only have 16 weeks left until my due date, isnt that crazy! In just a few weeks we'll be bringing home our little baby, and everyone will be sitting by the phone waiting to hear how big she was, how long she was, what color hair she has, and who she looks like!
What an amazing and miraculous process this is!

Her name shall be called...

I had a couple of the most incredible dreams last night. Before we went to sleep i was cuddled up against Bryce's side and the baby was going crazy! Ive never felt her so intenseley so many times in a row! She was rolling against him and pushing on him, kicking him, punching him, you name it, anywhere my belly touched her daddy she was touching it! Ive been prayin for so long that he could feel her more often so that he can really feel a connection with her, and boy did he! She loves her daddy, he was laughing and talking to her and she was definitely responding to him!
When i finally got to sleep i dreamt i was standing in a kindergarden class and this little girl was running around playing with the other kids, she had straight brown hair and bright blue eyes and was absolutely beautiful! She looked like me, and yet somehow like Bryce, and i heard someone, probably the teacher say her name ( which i wont type on here yet, we're praying for another confirmation that this will be her name) and she looked right up at me with a huge grin. It was breathtaking, she was definitely my little girl, a glimpse at her at 4-5 years old. Wow, if that doesnt give you chills! When i woke up it was 3am and she was doing somersaults in my belly, as if she was getting a kick out of the Lord showing me a little picture of her. When i fell back asleep i dreamt of her as a baby, tiny little girl with dark hair like i had when i was born, and beautiful blue eyes, and Bryce and i were avidly discussing her middle name. Finally we settled on the first we ever discussed.
Bryce woke me up a little while later kissing my cheeks after his morning run, so i excitedly told him all about our little girl and what i heard the teacher call her, and he was excited as well because we have been praying about names for our little one for SO long! He even came up with a cute nickname from the initials she would have!
As soon as we're positive that the Lord gave me the dream to help me name our little one, i will let you all know (or just mom, since i think only she reads this).
The Lord is so good! How fun is this?! Im loving it
Oh and the baby finally moved up another inch, shes now about an inch above my belly button (right where she should be!) and it weighing a pound, at 8 inches long! Shes incredible! I cant wait to hold her!

Life and Death

Sitting here thinking about this tiny new life growing inside of my, a sound catches my ear, someone is in tears. I turn from side to side, to find that it's Amy, my boss. I watch as she pulls a file from the cabinet, and watch as two beneficiaries walk into the vault to claim their fathers last belongings from his safe deposit box. Then i see the name on the file, and i can feel my heart sink. Why does it have to be someone i knew? A sweet little old man that kept me company most days as we processed his work through the drive thru. Sure he was quiet, but i suppose i've always had a heart for elderly people, completely intrigued by the stories they have hidden away in a bank of knowledge.
Death is a thought that completely overwhelms me. I know that we all are born and we all die, but that really doesnt make it any easier for me. I know that those who have been redeemed by Jesus Christ will live forever with him, and ill be there too, but what about those who wont be there? They will NEVER be there if they die without knowing Him.
I definitely think it is a gift that my heart is so soft, but sometimes it just feels like a whole lot of emotions pouring out of me.

We are having a little girl, and her life is meant to be something incredible. The Lord has some amazing plans for her, as ive already felt under attack a lot during this pregnancy, but the Lord is my rock and we're doing amazing. As im writing this i can feel her pushing and kicking against my waistband, as if she knows im writing about her. Through this tiny life inside of me, many who were going to experience eternal death, will get to experience eternal life. She will be an amazing influence in the world for Jesus, and i cant wait to see her beautiful tiny body in just over 20 weeks. This life is beautiful, cherish every moment you can, and cherish the moments you have with others, as we never know who's up next. We all have to face the big guy, are you ready? The good thing is, He wants to take each of us as we are, dont come to Him after you change, it may be to late, He wants your love and attention now. I encourage you to renew your life in Jesus, as we experience death all around us, all the time.

Celebrating new life,
Mommy :)
Mrs Miller :)
Kales :)
Sis :)
And just plain ol Kaylee

Awww

Meaning like a sigh. :) Baby Miller has been wiggling a lot lately, forcing me into a dreamlike state. What will this baby look like? What will Bryce do when he first sees his little one? What will my daddy do when he gets to hold his first Grandbaby? Will my mom cry when she sees me holding my firstborn? Will we want to stay up the whole first night at home and watch them sleep, amazed that we created such a beautiful little miracle?
Who knows what ill do, what ill say, how ill act, but however it goes i know its going to be one of the most incredible days of my life!
The Lord is so good!