Great are you Lord...

How I love Your works
My God, My King
How I love Your works
My God, My King
Your Name rings on the plains
Like a not so distant train
And Love and history are near
In the flowers that you make
The flowers that you make

Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you

How I love Your Word
My God, My King
How I love Your Word
My God, My King
Your love cuts through these pages to my heart
As you grieve our sins, right from the start
And sacrifice and paradise are in
The plans that you made, The plans that you made

:For the last 3 years i havent been able to get this song out of my head, out of my heart really. This is my life song, my heartsong...
So many memories have been stored away in the back of my soul, memories of singing this song watching the sunrise in Botswana, arms outstretched to the sky, the silliest smile pasted to my face. I've never felt so in love, so calm, so held. So many things have changed over the years, I found my earthly love, and we're now expecting our first baby in 34 days... People have come and gone from my life, friendships have moved across the Country, but God is still faithful to me... He still whispers to me... He still speaks to me through this song...
If you havent heard it, read this while you listen to it on utube... Its called "great are you" by Downhere
Who am i Lord? Who am i in this time of change? Am i still that woman after your heart? Am i still giddy with the passion of your undying love for me? YES! I feel His presence even more in times of trial, i feel like ive been devastated so deeply i cant express the agony my heart feels, and yet in that same moment i felt the most relief ive felt in years... Like He swept in on the most beautiful white horse and whisked me up out of the marshlands before that herd of wild black bulls could gore me as i knelt waving my red ribbon in surrender. I was so willing to accept defeat, so allow the horrid ending of friendship and trust to gore my very heart out, but my Jesus doesnt see it that way. He knew i was done, so He galloped in and swooped my outstretched hand up behind him, telling me to hold tight, He'd ride out the storm...
Then... All i have to do is cry out.... "ill praise you in this storm..." The thunder rolls... I barely hear you whisper through the rain... Im with you.... I raise my hands....
Oh Jesus ill praise you! I will! Every tear Lord.... You never left my side.... My heart is torn.... BUT I WILL PRAISE YOU...

Sometimes i question my own heart as a woman, why do i need to feel so many emotions at one time? Desperation, pleading, strength, weakness, readiness, steadiness, heartache, passion.... OH JESUS WHY? Why do they always do this to me? Why ME? How can i possibly trust another woman with even a single beat of my beautifully aching heart? So many have failed me! Why such a terrible betrayal? Do none understand the agony i already feel toward him? Do they listen when i express my desire to be his little sister? Do they hear my heart? Is it only you who understands me? How do i move on? My heart is TORN. Oh Jesus i love you more now than i ever have... My passion for you i once danced because of, it has returned ten fold... How can i possibly mourn a loss when i feel such a beautiful sense of joy and safety near your side? How can i sort out this mumbo jumbo in my mind? All i want to do is let it go... feel the freedom in your arms... and i do! I cant be angry, i cant be hurt, all i can do is bathe in you... The security in knowing that i cant hold the whole horizon in my view... and only you know where this is going...

: I want to sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand
lay back against you and breathe
feel your heartbeat

this love is so deep
its more than i can stand
i melt in your peace
its overwhelming...:
(Kari Jobe, "the more i seek you")

I melt Lord, in YOUR peace... Oh Jesus may this little one inside of me love you the way i do... Oh Lord let her always desire you the way i do... let her know the passion you have for her heart, the desire you have to hold her in your arms...

Let her know there's NO sweeter name than the name of Jesus! Protect her father, let her be the woman you're waiting for, to use in mighty ways, to mother the nations, to bring hope to children, to love on the unlovely... Take my little girl and make her yours Jesus... Let us always treat her as your precious daughter...

YOU ARE THE ONLY TRUTH AND THE WAY...
YOU ARE THE LIGHT TO THE DARKNESS AROUND ME...
YOU ARE THE HOPE TO THE HOPELESS AND BROKEN...
YOU ARE THE LIFE TO MY HEART AND MY SOUL...

JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS...

YOU are worthy... I WILL sing a new song to you Jesus... In this time of trial and misunderstanding, you are more alive to me than ever...

Just thinking...

Well, Miller baby is going to be 24 weeks old tomorrow morning. She is big, and moves all the time, especially when her daddy is nearby. She hears his voice and her little legs start running and her arms start to pound as if she wants to get out SO bad to play with him!
I feel her growing and moving, and its amazing to me that she's learning her motor skills right now, trying them out on mommys insides!
Today ive been thinking about getting to meet her, and honestly trying my hardest not to wish time away too quickly. Im enjoying being the one to care for her and with her constantly, but i so desperately wish to meet her. My coworker Sarah had her baby this morning, 9 ibs 2 ounces! I cant even believe she gave natural birth to that big of a baby! Gracie is doing great and so is Sarah, exhausted however after being up all night.
Its been such a weird pregnancy watching someone just a few steps ahead of me in her pregnancy. She was bigger, she wasnt sick, she had her shower, all of her biweekly appointments, when Gracie finally flipped over, and this whole time ive been 3 months behind, just watching and knowing sometime soon ill go through it, but man it seems like forever.
I guess im still not big enough to be too noticed, maybe people are being cautious, or honestly dont notice. My belly is getting big, and sticks out in front of me like a little round muffin top :) but its going to take people even longer to notice, which is just fine with me. Eventually they'll get it, and ill be 8 months along, and suddenly im on maternity leave and no one even knew :) Its like the best kept secret!
Our little girl is so precious, ive been dreaming about her constantly, and she is beautiful in my dreams, and it just makes me SO anxious to meet her.
I remember when we found out i was 6 weeks along, and now here i am at 24! So its already been flying along SO fast! I only have 16 weeks left until my due date, isnt that crazy! In just a few weeks we'll be bringing home our little baby, and everyone will be sitting by the phone waiting to hear how big she was, how long she was, what color hair she has, and who she looks like!
What an amazing and miraculous process this is!

Her name shall be called...

I had a couple of the most incredible dreams last night. Before we went to sleep i was cuddled up against Bryce's side and the baby was going crazy! Ive never felt her so intenseley so many times in a row! She was rolling against him and pushing on him, kicking him, punching him, you name it, anywhere my belly touched her daddy she was touching it! Ive been prayin for so long that he could feel her more often so that he can really feel a connection with her, and boy did he! She loves her daddy, he was laughing and talking to her and she was definitely responding to him!
When i finally got to sleep i dreamt i was standing in a kindergarden class and this little girl was running around playing with the other kids, she had straight brown hair and bright blue eyes and was absolutely beautiful! She looked like me, and yet somehow like Bryce, and i heard someone, probably the teacher say her name ( which i wont type on here yet, we're praying for another confirmation that this will be her name) and she looked right up at me with a huge grin. It was breathtaking, she was definitely my little girl, a glimpse at her at 4-5 years old. Wow, if that doesnt give you chills! When i woke up it was 3am and she was doing somersaults in my belly, as if she was getting a kick out of the Lord showing me a little picture of her. When i fell back asleep i dreamt of her as a baby, tiny little girl with dark hair like i had when i was born, and beautiful blue eyes, and Bryce and i were avidly discussing her middle name. Finally we settled on the first we ever discussed.
Bryce woke me up a little while later kissing my cheeks after his morning run, so i excitedly told him all about our little girl and what i heard the teacher call her, and he was excited as well because we have been praying about names for our little one for SO long! He even came up with a cute nickname from the initials she would have!
As soon as we're positive that the Lord gave me the dream to help me name our little one, i will let you all know (or just mom, since i think only she reads this).
The Lord is so good! How fun is this?! Im loving it
Oh and the baby finally moved up another inch, shes now about an inch above my belly button (right where she should be!) and it weighing a pound, at 8 inches long! Shes incredible! I cant wait to hold her!

Life and Death

Sitting here thinking about this tiny new life growing inside of my, a sound catches my ear, someone is in tears. I turn from side to side, to find that it's Amy, my boss. I watch as she pulls a file from the cabinet, and watch as two beneficiaries walk into the vault to claim their fathers last belongings from his safe deposit box. Then i see the name on the file, and i can feel my heart sink. Why does it have to be someone i knew? A sweet little old man that kept me company most days as we processed his work through the drive thru. Sure he was quiet, but i suppose i've always had a heart for elderly people, completely intrigued by the stories they have hidden away in a bank of knowledge.
Death is a thought that completely overwhelms me. I know that we all are born and we all die, but that really doesnt make it any easier for me. I know that those who have been redeemed by Jesus Christ will live forever with him, and ill be there too, but what about those who wont be there? They will NEVER be there if they die without knowing Him.
I definitely think it is a gift that my heart is so soft, but sometimes it just feels like a whole lot of emotions pouring out of me.

We are having a little girl, and her life is meant to be something incredible. The Lord has some amazing plans for her, as ive already felt under attack a lot during this pregnancy, but the Lord is my rock and we're doing amazing. As im writing this i can feel her pushing and kicking against my waistband, as if she knows im writing about her. Through this tiny life inside of me, many who were going to experience eternal death, will get to experience eternal life. She will be an amazing influence in the world for Jesus, and i cant wait to see her beautiful tiny body in just over 20 weeks. This life is beautiful, cherish every moment you can, and cherish the moments you have with others, as we never know who's up next. We all have to face the big guy, are you ready? The good thing is, He wants to take each of us as we are, dont come to Him after you change, it may be to late, He wants your love and attention now. I encourage you to renew your life in Jesus, as we experience death all around us, all the time.

Celebrating new life,
Mommy :)
Mrs Miller :)
Kales :)
Sis :)
And just plain ol Kaylee

Awww

Meaning like a sigh. :) Baby Miller has been wiggling a lot lately, forcing me into a dreamlike state. What will this baby look like? What will Bryce do when he first sees his little one? What will my daddy do when he gets to hold his first Grandbaby? Will my mom cry when she sees me holding my firstborn? Will we want to stay up the whole first night at home and watch them sleep, amazed that we created such a beautiful little miracle?
Who knows what ill do, what ill say, how ill act, but however it goes i know its going to be one of the most incredible days of my life!
The Lord is so good!

Wiggles

Baby Miller is most definitely an active child. As most mothers will mention that they dont feel their babies movements until between 18-20 weeks, i must say that i have MOST definitely felt Baby Miller move several times in the past week. Its been an incredible feeling, like some tiny little elbow sliding across my abdomen. Its amazing when the Lord gives me those little insights, like there is a real live little baby growing and wiggling around in there! I hope they're comfortable!
I guess in some ways this could really concern me however, because if Baby Miller is already wiggling enough for me to feel it, then maybe ill be giving birth to a very rowdy child? Either that or one with a whole lot of spunk! If this little one is a girl, then she will most definitely be a fiesty little fighter, ready for brothers! If this li ttle one is a boy, then he is most definitely like his mommy in that he'll probably be a very active and interactive entertainer! Either way, i must say this child is taking after me so far. Bryce was such a calm child, (im not referring to in the womb as i dont even know that!) he obeyed, he didnt try finding trouble. Dont get me wrong, he's daring and most definitely a typical little boy, but a very obedient and generous one. A sensitive child with endless love to give. I, on the other hand, was a wild yellin fightin dramatic, bandaid wearing, tight stretch pants adorning little firecracker. So, im praying for a nice gently mixture of both of us!

Battling the lonely heart...

Setting the stage:
I come to work each morning, hearing the normal morning welcome " good morning," and " good morning" is the reply. Then everyone splits up and goes to their own window, setting up their station for a day of work. I sit over at the drive up window, aka in the corner alone. I can hear the murmurs of conversation regarding my coworkers baby, how she hasnt quite turned in the womb yet, about the cute clothes she's gotten, and the parties soon to be had, those i havent really been invited to. If i try and enter the conversation, it quickly turns to awkwardness and each associate hurrying back to work. If i ask any questions about the beautiful baby to be born, i get direct cold answers, when everyone else experiences that smile, and excitement. I dont know what exactly the problem is, or why no one seems to take interest in my baby.
I sometimes stupidly try and offer information on how MY pregnancy is, but no one takes interest and it is soon forgotten. My friends and loved ones mention that maybe its because im not showing enough yet, or that they're just trying to make the other girl feel really good because her situation isnt as great as mine. But i can honestly tell you that no matter the reasons, it aches all the same.
I quietly whisper to my baby, " its okay baby miller , i love you, and im very interested in who you are." I guess this is my first experience at feeling the rejection of my child by the world, and how this hurts far deeper than someone having a problem with me. Though these things arent intended, they are so rude and hurtful that i have to pray myself through the day.
I dont undersatnd why is has to be this way, but i know that the Lord has placed me here for a reason, and I really dont want to share details with someone about my baby if they really dont want to know! So, ill just keep this my best kept secret and share it with those closest to my heart. But know that, if that's you, im desperate to talk about our little one, to dream, i dont feel like i get very many opportunities with people to dream about the baby!
We love our little miracle, and i know that this baby is going to be an incredible witness for the Lord, otherwise this pregnancy would be simple as pie! And it has been anything but that!

My Mothers Heart

Sitting in the swing, unable to reach the wood chips below me, i feel free, weightless, not a worry in the world. I'm thinking, thinking about the sky, the birds, the boy sitting next to me pushing off the ground and soaring sky high, how does he balance? Why isnt he ever afraid? Mommy says im still too little to reach, but one day ill be able to push off and fly as high as he does. I'm not so sure i want to, i like it when she takes the chains by surprise and pushes fast, yet gentle enough to keep me safely in the seat. She laughs at Matthew, his daring personality shown off beautifully as he leaps from the swing and almost falls face first as his legs turn to rubber at landing. He's stifling a giggle as he jumps back into the swing to race me. From behind mom i hear that sweet little voice of my middle brother, pulling on moms leg, no doubt, asking her a cute little question about what God would do if he had a swing in heaven. Then, she calmly lets go of the swing, pulls him into her arms and shares a story i'm still sure is real, about how God would have to have a swing in heaven, what else would keep Matt busy when he gets there? Ryan agrees, and squirms a bit, after kissing her cheek, and she lets him down to go look after the baby, the one always in mischeif, Aaron. Aaron can always be found in the dirtiest spot of the playground one can possibly find. There he sits, with mud on his face, bark chips in his hands and little bugs crawling all around him.

This life is perfect, Matt playing, Ryan running around, Aaron getting dirty, and me, amidst it all, with Mommy. She fits prefect with us, she holds us, she plays with us, she takes care of us, she loves us, and she's one of us!

Being at home with mom could never be replaced even by the perfect babysitter! There are things we learned, memories we shared, aches and pains that only a mother can heal, that can never be replaced, and could never have occurred without mom. She sacrificed more for us then we will ever truly know. Late nights, trips to the store for medicine, changing diapers, rocking to sleep, millions of bandaids, endless supplies of clothes and shoes, food, teaching 4 children how to drive, how to dance, how to sing, how to love, how to wait, how to know God, how to reach out, how to seek, how to find, how to be a friend, a sibling, a child of the most high God.

When i sit back on these beautiful sunny days and remember days like this spent with mom, on the playground, in the yard, in the house, anywhere as long as she was there, i pray that someday i can impact my children the way she has impacted me. She is the reason i wish so badly to always be a stay at home mom.

Sometimes i know she sits back, feeling the guilt of a slip of anger, or the pang in her heart as one of us makes a poor decision, but the one thing i wish for her to know is that, the bad decisions are not a result of her mistake, but of our own human nature, but the good choices, are a direct impact of the way we were raised. Think about it this way, one child is an American hero, decorated and away at war. He's lived in several states and countries, boldly served a selfish nation, and has chosen integrity and selflessness as a way of life. The next in line is me, married to the most wonderful man in the world, in love with Jesus, and walking around with a little grandbaby tight in my tummy. Her middle son, one of the most intelligent people i've ever known, has moved away, gotten a great job, and has always chosen to love Jesus over all. He's saved his money for college and is ecstatic to see where his future lies. Her youngest is still as home, playing basketball and excelling at every competition he enters. His attitude toward life may seem uncaring, but this individual has the capacity to love like none i've ever seen. He makes good decisions and tries obedience most of the time :).

So today, I honor her. And honestly, it brings tears to my eyes to think that, no matter how long this blog ends up being, it will never do my mom justice. I've watched her over the years and i've observed some incredible things. There were times when she didnt get new socks, or shoes for years at a time to make sure that we had all of our school supplies, and got to go out for sports. There were times when she stayed up late into the night in tears by her bed praying that the Lord would protect us and help us make good decisions. There were so many times when she had an angel around her immune system while the rest of us were throwing up all night. There were times when I watched as her heart was ripped out of her chest by a snyde remark from one of us, or one of the many " you're a bad mom" comments that were never meant. I've seen as she was overjoyed as each of us spread our wings and flew across the country to a new home, and yet aching that she couldnt come along. I've watched as she controlled her anger as someone lied or cheated, and addressed the situation with patience and love. I watched as she learned how to handle my crazy dating habits and help me make good decisions by loving me despite everything. I've watched as she and my dad have turned into the cutest couple (not that they always werent) that i've ever known, loving each other more and more as the years have brought them along. My dad has tenderly learned to treat her as someone he cherishes more than life, and it has been beautiful to watch their love unfold to the level it now is.

Now, as i sit in the window, thinking about the little one wiggling in my tummy, I pray that someday i can be a mother just like her. I know i'll make mistakes, i know ill be angry, and i know ill blame myself for this babie's bad decisions, but i hope that someday i can look back and know that i left a legacy more beautiful than life for them to cherish. She is my one and only, a greatest friend, a true companion, truth in a world of lies, love in a world of hate and disregard, and where i hold a great deal of value. She's going to be the greatest grandma a little one could ever ask for!

Mommadear, i love you. Thank you for being everything i have written and so much more. You are always in my heart and on my mind. I thank the Lord constantly for you and what you mean to me. You will always be one of my greatest friends, and i'm so thankful for everything we have together.

Hats off to you!

Looking...

I've been wanting my own blog site for ages now! I read my moms this morning and realized, what a perfect site to start writing!

So... I now introduce to you, Miller Baby! Or Baby Miller, little bean, Toaster Stroodle(my personal favorite)... This is our child, our unborn, now 4 month old child! We have no idea whether this little blessing is a little boy or a little girl, and frankly we dont mind either way!

I've spend a lot of time recently studying what my baby looks like, whats new in it's quickly changing life, and what sorts of things would it want mommy to know, if it could tell me?
I often find myself giggling as Bryce, my husband, uses my belly button as a megaphone, or a nose rest, to communicate with his baby. His beard continuously tickling my tummy with every word, he tells his baby all about the world. What the kitten and puppy are doing, what exactly IS a puppy and a kitten, he tells baby miller to stay safe and healthy, and please stop making mommy so sick! I truly adore his heart, he so desires to be part of this pregnancy and know his baby! He prays for Baby Miller every morning during our "lap time" that i've so come to enjoy.

We take the last ten minutes before he leaves each morning to snuggle up in our favorite chair and talk. We talk about how the Lord has blessed us with a beautiful home, plenty of food, wonderful neighbors, vehicles, and especially our family. Then we take the next few minutes to take turns praying for each other, our loved ones, our baby, and that we would be able to give the God of all creation some smidgen of the glory he deserves that day.

Do you know many couples like this? I honestly dont mean to brag, but i wake up each morning knowing exactly how blessed and lucky i am to have a man who challenges my faith every single day. He lifts me up, he shares with me, he gives unabashadly that i would have more, he sacrifices time and energy for me, and he works through problems and conflict immediately. We've never yet gone to sleep angry, and we've never yet woken angry, and we've never yet slept anywhere but our bed together. He loves Jesus more than he loves me, and he holds his relationship with the Lord in the highest regard. We get to live our whole lives devoted to Jesus! I dont know very many marriages where the man surrenders their entire lives to the Lord! I LOVE our life together. I love that he gives everything he haves, even if it leaves us eating rice. I love that he dreams of the Kingdom of heaven, he seeks to give glory to the one true God, and he gives me more love than ive ever imagined! A love quite similar to that of the Lord.

So, as i've become the baby factory, creating a little one inside myself :) I've learned so many things already. Take life with a grain of salt, cause sometimes you just dont feel well, and sometimes you just have to suffer through it and let the world believe you're doing great! It's okay to show a smile even when it hurts, because frowns are contagious, and sick is no excuse to feel sorry for yourself! I have given more energy, more food, more sleep, more feeling good days, than i ever imagined to this little one, and i feel so blessed to do it! Even when it HURTS, and by golly if you've ever been pregnant you KNOW how much it really does hurt sometimes. The skin stretches, itches, you cant sit normal because you feel like theres a rock inside your stomach, so you're full but you're starving!

Life is so full of wonderful surprises, just when you think you've got no hope, or you've got it figured out, you dont! Bryce always tells me his favorite quote, If you want God to laugh really hard, tell him YOUR plans! This line really makes me think, how true is that! When i think i've got what i want all worked out, he throws me for a loop and a wonderful surprise in the end! What a blessing!

I hope this sunshiney day fills you with hope, the Lamb of God is returning soon!