No more fears

Ahh Lord, my Jesus, there will be a day, when this is all over, and be the end good or bad it will be for your glory. 

Hope? Where does this come from? Yes i HOPE everything ends with me having a healthy husband for many many years to come, but is that always what the Lord wants? Is my hope founded in my personal desires or in what is good for HIS glory? Is my hope misguided? He knows the desires of my heart, but i can honestly say at this moment i HOPE for glory to come to the almighty through our lives, beit whatever is to happen. 

Fear, there is holy fear, there is well founded fear, and there is unecessary fear. How do i feel? Im terrified at what can come of this, yes, terrified because the Lord will do what brings him glory, and Bryce's life is  bringing him more and more every day. Do i want to give Bryce to Jesus? Oh man that's a loaded question, no i dont want My God to take my love away, but if he does i will take comfort in the amazing life he's lived. Is it down to life and death? Most certainly not, but considering there is always a risk, i think about these things.

Am i really prepared to be a single mom? No, but man you guys i can honestly say that at this desperate time in my life i am more in love with Jesus than i have ever been. In desperation i am at his feet, trusting that he KNOWS MY NAME. He hasnt let me fall out of view, or under foot, he sees me and he holds me and he gives me strength to give Bryce strength. He gives me peace to give him peace. He gives me patience with Lucy, he gives me words of encouragement for my love, he gives me wisdom for those who constantly ask " how are you?"

Sometimes i wish i had words to describe the way my skin tingles when i think of Jesus, and the times ive shared with him, but i feel like David in the Psalms, declaring his gifts with words that seem too simple, too applicable to uncomplicated things. But my love for Jesus is completely complicated. I feel desperate, i feel uncontrollable joy, i feel peace, i feel anger, i feel so many things for this world, for the children, for the hungry, for the rich, for the drug addicts, for the unborn, for the misguided teenagers, for the leaders of this country. For HIS heart. 

It's overwhelming, what does that word mean?

" To surge over and submerge; engulf."

Submerge, that is to be completely under, every part of you. I am submerged in my love for Jesus, and his love for me is GREATER! 

He knows my NAME!

Do we decide how much we love and need Jesus when everything is wrong? What about thanking him when things are amazing? It is definitely challenging to praise him now amidst trial, but i have decided HE is worthy! 

Are you praising him in this storm?

No sweeter name

I am the owner of a large bleeding heart.

Do you know that it is so much easier to be honest on a blog then in person? 

It seems so simple to pour my heart out on a keyboard, then to a concerned face.

It's late, and I am alone after a long battle putting my 5 month old to bed, my husband is in the hospital.

Hope? It really concerns me when the Dr. won't give me any. He seems caught in the middle of a crazy puzzle, unable to dig himself out either way, up or down. 

You know the one thing that breaks even the craziest of my thoughts? Worship music, the key to the box i lock myself into for protection.

You are the light to my heart and my soul

you are the light to the darkness around me

you are the hope to the hopeless and broken

you are the only truth and the way

There will be a day, with no more pain, no more tears

There will be a day, When the burdens of this world will be no more.

oh Jeremy Camp. Did you know his first wife died not long after they married? Within the first two years. I really dont think i could go through that, im a stinkin penguin i picked Bryce for LIFE. Hopefully all of MY life. Is it sad that i think about how awful it would be if something happened to him. These thoughts race through my mind this time of night, alone at home... Its so cold in here, there arent any conversations, no laughing, so practical jokes or paper airplane racing, no scrubs lines being spoken, no kisses or hugs, no silly outfits, no whispers under the blankets, nobody but me and my faithful dog, the man of the house. I think what if life is going to become like this? I believe in the healing power of the Lord, and im convinced that he's not finished with Bryce, but goodness im sure Jeremy thought that as well.

As we were walking today we walked past a room with an elderly woman in it, lying lifeless in her gown, with loved ones gripping her hands, in her last days. I cant handle death, i simply cannot. Life on the other side is so beautiful, but i cant handle waiting to see those faces again, those that encouraged me, adopted me, loved me. And i wonder how long it will be until i've got to go through it again. Grandparents... friends... certainly not my love right?

I tend to hold myself together great, letting everyone see that its rough but im alright. The last thing i need is for someone to think im being dramatic. But i get home, put on Bryces clothes, and get on my computer to update the world. I've lost about 10 pounds... I have to take ibuprofen to sleep as my head swells after crying into his sweatshirt. Until you've been through this, you can hardly judge how you'd feel. 

I know each thought is random, each of these paragraphs seems out of place, but that seems and accurate depiction of my mind, my bleeding heart, my lonely spirit.

I've got to learn to just need Jesus, only then will he trust me with more.