My Mothers Heart

Sitting in the swing, unable to reach the wood chips below me, i feel free, weightless, not a worry in the world. I'm thinking, thinking about the sky, the birds, the boy sitting next to me pushing off the ground and soaring sky high, how does he balance? Why isnt he ever afraid? Mommy says im still too little to reach, but one day ill be able to push off and fly as high as he does. I'm not so sure i want to, i like it when she takes the chains by surprise and pushes fast, yet gentle enough to keep me safely in the seat. She laughs at Matthew, his daring personality shown off beautifully as he leaps from the swing and almost falls face first as his legs turn to rubber at landing. He's stifling a giggle as he jumps back into the swing to race me. From behind mom i hear that sweet little voice of my middle brother, pulling on moms leg, no doubt, asking her a cute little question about what God would do if he had a swing in heaven. Then, she calmly lets go of the swing, pulls him into her arms and shares a story i'm still sure is real, about how God would have to have a swing in heaven, what else would keep Matt busy when he gets there? Ryan agrees, and squirms a bit, after kissing her cheek, and she lets him down to go look after the baby, the one always in mischeif, Aaron. Aaron can always be found in the dirtiest spot of the playground one can possibly find. There he sits, with mud on his face, bark chips in his hands and little bugs crawling all around him.

This life is perfect, Matt playing, Ryan running around, Aaron getting dirty, and me, amidst it all, with Mommy. She fits prefect with us, she holds us, she plays with us, she takes care of us, she loves us, and she's one of us!

Being at home with mom could never be replaced even by the perfect babysitter! There are things we learned, memories we shared, aches and pains that only a mother can heal, that can never be replaced, and could never have occurred without mom. She sacrificed more for us then we will ever truly know. Late nights, trips to the store for medicine, changing diapers, rocking to sleep, millions of bandaids, endless supplies of clothes and shoes, food, teaching 4 children how to drive, how to dance, how to sing, how to love, how to wait, how to know God, how to reach out, how to seek, how to find, how to be a friend, a sibling, a child of the most high God.

When i sit back on these beautiful sunny days and remember days like this spent with mom, on the playground, in the yard, in the house, anywhere as long as she was there, i pray that someday i can impact my children the way she has impacted me. She is the reason i wish so badly to always be a stay at home mom.

Sometimes i know she sits back, feeling the guilt of a slip of anger, or the pang in her heart as one of us makes a poor decision, but the one thing i wish for her to know is that, the bad decisions are not a result of her mistake, but of our own human nature, but the good choices, are a direct impact of the way we were raised. Think about it this way, one child is an American hero, decorated and away at war. He's lived in several states and countries, boldly served a selfish nation, and has chosen integrity and selflessness as a way of life. The next in line is me, married to the most wonderful man in the world, in love with Jesus, and walking around with a little grandbaby tight in my tummy. Her middle son, one of the most intelligent people i've ever known, has moved away, gotten a great job, and has always chosen to love Jesus over all. He's saved his money for college and is ecstatic to see where his future lies. Her youngest is still as home, playing basketball and excelling at every competition he enters. His attitude toward life may seem uncaring, but this individual has the capacity to love like none i've ever seen. He makes good decisions and tries obedience most of the time :).

So today, I honor her. And honestly, it brings tears to my eyes to think that, no matter how long this blog ends up being, it will never do my mom justice. I've watched her over the years and i've observed some incredible things. There were times when she didnt get new socks, or shoes for years at a time to make sure that we had all of our school supplies, and got to go out for sports. There were times when she stayed up late into the night in tears by her bed praying that the Lord would protect us and help us make good decisions. There were so many times when she had an angel around her immune system while the rest of us were throwing up all night. There were times when I watched as her heart was ripped out of her chest by a snyde remark from one of us, or one of the many " you're a bad mom" comments that were never meant. I've seen as she was overjoyed as each of us spread our wings and flew across the country to a new home, and yet aching that she couldnt come along. I've watched as she controlled her anger as someone lied or cheated, and addressed the situation with patience and love. I watched as she learned how to handle my crazy dating habits and help me make good decisions by loving me despite everything. I've watched as she and my dad have turned into the cutest couple (not that they always werent) that i've ever known, loving each other more and more as the years have brought them along. My dad has tenderly learned to treat her as someone he cherishes more than life, and it has been beautiful to watch their love unfold to the level it now is.

Now, as i sit in the window, thinking about the little one wiggling in my tummy, I pray that someday i can be a mother just like her. I know i'll make mistakes, i know ill be angry, and i know ill blame myself for this babie's bad decisions, but i hope that someday i can look back and know that i left a legacy more beautiful than life for them to cherish. She is my one and only, a greatest friend, a true companion, truth in a world of lies, love in a world of hate and disregard, and where i hold a great deal of value. She's going to be the greatest grandma a little one could ever ask for!

Mommadear, i love you. Thank you for being everything i have written and so much more. You are always in my heart and on my mind. I thank the Lord constantly for you and what you mean to me. You will always be one of my greatest friends, and i'm so thankful for everything we have together.

Hats off to you!